Sat May 15, 2010, 9:59 PM
...there she is, I cannot even think about picking up the camera without Amber being at the forefront of my mind. The loss is great and weighing me down more each day, but it is the betrayal of two people that not only were part of my life, but part of my art.
Losing your 'muse' is hard enough, having them rip your heart out for their own pleasure is a hard lesson to learn.
I see her on Monday to separate our things in storage and seeing her for the first time since a kiss goodbye, an I love you and I will be home in a couple of days, to the reality of lying, cheating, being used for her own gains, it is even hard to type that about her. I just keep telling myself the girl I fell so deeply and madly in love with is not the girl that will be standing before me. Instead I will have someone that is for sure her fathers daughter, another lying, cheating, soulless asshole. As well as one that has hurt me way more than any other has even come close to doing.
What happened between Brenna and myself is so far down the scale when compared to this it is ridiculous. I understand what happened between her and I and I accept my own role in the whole issue. This however is about two people who have no hearts, are selfish to the core and have no respect for others, not even each other or this would have been handled in a different way. I still have not spoken a single word to Amber, not one, since she left my arms for school.
These were people who called me their friends, family, loved ones at some point. Tom's response when I told him I was sorry if I was not always the best friend, but I thought of him as much more, that he was family to me......'sorry you felt that way, sometimes things just don't work out'. How cold hearted is that? Guess that is what you have to do in order to fuck around with your 'friends' girlfriend. She snuck away from me at the last gallery show we went to, in order to go be with him before I came back into the room and that was in February. I was with her for six years, knew her for at least 8 and friends with Tom for 10, took wedding photos for him and was there for him after his divorce.
They went to hockey games together, since I could not do so due to the seating, that is when it all started. Then she started lying to me about being at her uncles or her mothers, since they were so close to school for her. Everything I did to try and help her get through her busy schedule of school and work she used to spend time with him instead. All these things I thought I was doing to help her finish this semester and get her degree were used to fuck around behind my back.
The really sad part, if they would have came to me and said that something had happened, that a mistake was made, I would have been furious, hurt and of course felt betrayed, but I also would have understood to a point and would have found a way for all of us to work through it, past it and get back to our lives. I would have thought about the place Tom was in after his divorce and how Amber could have gotten overly involved to the situation. In fact before they started hanging out, I said for her to be careful that Tom was in a bad place emotionally, but I trusted them to be smarter than that.
Sadly I would have forgave them both.
I feel so fucking stupid.
I dedicated my life to her these last seven or eight months, making her more important to me than the air I was breathing. Her finishing school is all I thought about. I had plans already in motion to go celebrate, B and B style in the Missouri bluffs wine area. To spend the summer growing Williams/Lee photography so we could have greater income and a better life together. The only thing that meant more to me was my daughters wedding in July, everyplace else she was first, I waited on her hand and foot, let her study, thought of her before I did anything.
sorry this turned into a rant.
I just want this nightmare to end so badly.
- Mood: Lonely