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June 2, 2010
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For hours...

Journal Entry: Wed Jun 2, 2010, 2:24 AM


...I held you as you cried over him
you thanking me for being there for you
you not understanding why I did not hang up the phone
you not understanding why I did not tell you to fuck off.

For months I put my feelings, my love and desire for you in the deep recesses of my mind,
I was what you needed at that moment, a best friend.
You lied to me months later about sleeping with him again
yet I understood and once again played the friend.

We waited for over a year before discussing getting back together fully,
I waited for you to tell me you knew you loved me and wanted to be with me and only me.
That time came, we were doing it slowly, we were doing it right.
You constantly talked about marriage, went as far as saying that you would as me yourself, if I did not ask you to do so once again.

Now I am sitting here alone, wondering why I cannot just hate you for doing this to me once again.

I gave you love
I gave you understanding
I gave you compassion
I gave you respect
I gave you honesty
I gave you forgiveness
I gave you all that I am

In return you gave me nothing, you only took and you took everything you could get.

You have it all now, you left me with nothing.

I have to rebuild once again,
I have to put the puzzle together,
I have to figure out how to do so,
with so many missing pieces.

At moments like this I desperately want to hate you, it would make this so much easier just to be able to hate you.

That is an option I do not have.

Sleep would come without the shedding of tears
Life would move forward at a smoother pace
Waking up would be done with a smile,
instead of dread, fear and loneliness.

If only one word could replace love
If only one word could purge you from my system
If only one word would end all this pain
If only I could honestly say or feel that one word











^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

could not sleep, this is what was in my head.

Coming back home after spending time away at Toni's place made everything hit me just as hard as before. Just having a very bad night.


  • Mood: Lonely
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