Thu May 13, 2010, 12:22 AM
Again I am putting this up for me, to get it out of my head, in the open in order for me to let it all go.
ported from Facebook entry
How is this for denial on my part, remembered this last night. I told Amber some months ago that if her and Tom were fucking around behind my back I would never forgive either one of them and that I would never speak to either one of them ever again. Last person in the world I had to worry about I kept telling myself. I should have known, this is not the first time she has done this to me. I was an idiot to come back here and let her back into my heart when Matt threw her out of the house. I loved her and that Is all that mattered to me at that time. Someone I loved was in pain and needed help, regardless what they had just done to me. Even she thought I would tell her to fuck off and hang up on her when she called me and how grateful and thankful she was for me not doing so.
We sat down one night months later, she was still twisted up in her emotions over Matt. We talked about how she not sure how she felt about me at that point, thought it was fear and confusion at the time, so we said we would cross that bridge when the time came. Well it came one day, she told me she loved me and that she knew this for sure, that she never wanted me out of her life and she knew this for certain. She started talking to me about wedding things a few months later, I looked at her and said How do you know I am going to ask you to marry me again?. Her reply was Who says I am going to wait for you to ask me, I will just ask you to marry me instead. Pretty much had me believing all was back to where it was before. This came about around six months after the Matt incident, we both wanted to be sure of our feelings and were supposed to be taking our time, going slow to make sure. I truly thought she really loved me after all of this and it was safe to let my heart open to her once again.
That conversation took place over two years ago, she referred to this when she told me she wanted to leave in her email, telling me this all stemmed back to that conversation. So this means the last two years have been a total and complete lie.
Like I said, always trust your instincts over your heart.
No I have not always been perfect, dealing with being in pain 24/7 hits you all over, puts you into bouts of deep depression even when on meds. Your behavior can seem distant, strange, even rude and you may not even be aware of it at the time. I hide a LOT of how bad I am hurting, if I am bitching about it, then trust me I am in a massive amount of pain. Would you be receptive to people all the time if it felt like someone was hitting you across the back of your pelvis with a baseball bat non-stop for hours, even days on end? No not all of the time, you would have bad days even when taking large amounts of pain meds that are only dulling your pain, at best.
I recognized this issue and have been working to solve as much of it as possible since the beginning of the new year. Medication does not leave your body all at once, you do not get a handle on all of your issues at the same exact time, it takes time, lots of work and the support of your loved ones. I was on a shit load of meds, up to 10 different ones a day and this is why I stopped taking as many as I have, They thought I had fucking Cancer at one point, had me scared shitless, being told my MRI gave them concerns, going off getting Gamma Radiation whole body bone scans, having scopes put in every single orifice and I do mean EVERY one, trying to find why I became so anemic out of the fucking blue. I had all kinds of side effects from being Anemic and did not even know it until I was diagnosed, then I was able to put two and two together. I would be driving down the road and all of the sudden everything would go black and I would be out, I was FUCKING SCARED as anyone would be. My other symptoms were met with hostility and anger most of the time, did not even know why they were happening at the time, but it was obvious something was wrong. After all of that they had even MORE pills for me to take, when I refilled them online I had to put two separate orders through because I had more prescriptions than entry blanks on the form.
No not all of my faults are related to this, of course not, I am human, I fuck up. I know I am stubborn, hard headed and opinionated, always have been and always will be to some point and yes I know there are more, as I said I am human. I am also someone that would cut off his arm and hand it to you if needed. I know for a fact I am a very caring, affectionate, loving, devoted boyfriend. This has not always been the case no, I have been trying to be better for years and have done so in many areas. Life is about learning and growing, I have been trying to do so more each year.
She used the fact I was willing to do whatever it took to make sure she finished school this semester and was able to get her degree, she used it to lie and cheat on me. This Is not the actions of someone that loves you, ever loved you or even remotely cares about you. I waited on her hand and foot, this is not an exaggeration in the least. I helped to make sure we kept her dietary needs met, dealing with her digestive issues on a non-stop daily basis. My life has been fully about her for way too long, so I am planning a small burning session in the next couple of days, release some anger, pain and heartache, let it all go with flame and smoke.
I know I have mutual friends of both Amber and Tom on my friends list, I have no issue with that, but if you think what they did was ok or somehow justified, then please remove me from your friends list. Not going to argue with you about any of this, if it is how you feel it is what it is.
There is NO justification for treating anyone, let alone someone you have told you love them (as both Tom and Amber have said to me) in such a manner. It was nobodies place to tell me about this if they knew as well. Tom and Amber will soon be gone from my life 100% after that you will never see or hear me mention either one of them again.
I feel much better now
Random thoughts and additions
For you to go and take this, to smash it apart
I've gone all this fucking way
To wind up back at
Back at the start
Funny thing is, the very last words you spoke to me were, I love you too.