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May 23, 2010
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Something ....

Journal Entry: Sun May 23, 2010, 10:07 PM


...I wanted to put up, it is from part of an online conversation I was having with a friend. I have been having a very hard time dealing with the loss of Amber, it gets worse daily. My daughters upcoming wedding is the only thing that keeps my heart beating at this moment.

Tonight we were going over the guest list via email, all parties listed with their family an significant others next to their name and in this sea of husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends there was this hole among all the names, the spot next to my name for significant other is now a blank spot. It made me realize that is how I feel right now, like a blank spot, a shell of what was once a man. The realization that I am no longer sharing this most wonderful day in a fathers life, one only rivaled by the birth of his child, with the woman that means almost as much to me as me as my own flesh and blood.

Conversation part...

......yet I am siting here with a pile of tissue, my shirt soaked in tears, finding it hard to breathe and not one bit of it is because of what her and Tom did to me, it's because she is not with me and never will be again. The betrayal is a totally different pain.

When she stopped by a few nights ago to pick somethings up, she was afraid of falling asleep on the way home. I told her she could take a short nap if she wanted, that I would be happy to sit there and watch her sleep.

My beautiful, loving, best friend, partner, artistic muse and future wife, the one who swore to me she knew I was the one, who said if I did not ask her to marry me, she would ask me to marry her.

Gone forever.


  • Mood: Rejected
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