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June 12, 2010
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Yes I know...

Journal Entry: Sat Jun 12, 2010, 11:55 PM


and it is me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence

and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love
and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love
that i love

i am walking on the bridge
i am over the water
and i'm scared as hell
but i know there's something better
yes i know there's something
yes i know, i know, yes i know



5 brownie points if you know the song


  • Mood: Defeated
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:iconbreaking-reality:
breaking-reality Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010  Professional Photographer
Paula Cole? I have that song somewhere, and now it's stuck in my head.

How are you holding up?
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:iconkrash:
krash Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010  Professional Photographer
You are the ONLY one who got that out of everyone here or on Facebook!

Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Gutter tell her what she has won! (another reference, movie this time).


Honestly, like shit, just hiding it better. I still break down everyday, sometimes out of the blue and sometimes it is a full on break down.

Six years and all the pain and effort I went through to 'save' what I was told she wanted. It's a lot to try to deal with having it all be a huge fucking joke to her and to have a friend of mine be the giant douche bag I never thought he could be. I still don't believe it sometimes and having to resort to removing her from my life in all aspects, that is something I fight with non stop, it's not what I want.
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:iconbreaking-reality:
breaking-reality Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010  Professional Photographer
I understand. It took me several months to pull my head into the 'real world' after everything with Matt happened.

If you want to hang out or go on a photoshoot, just let me know. It was hotter than blazes this weekend, otherwise I would have gone to the Botanical Garden or Butterfly House. It's about time for a real photo trip.

:hug:
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:iconkrash:
krash Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010  Professional Photographer
Oh we all will hit the gardens soon, just not ready to be in that much 'public', trying to just get myself ready for Jessy's wedding here in a couple of weeks. Gonna be a very emotional day for me, in waaaay to many ways to count.

I should have been going with Amber, I was really looking forward to having her at one of the most important days of my and my daughters life, something I wanted to really share with her and only her. Her not being there now is going to really hurt me. I am not going to be focusing on that of course, Jessy is more important to me than anyone else, including myself, but it is going to be eating at me until that day and the days after.

How long before I stop waking up and thinking this is a bad dream, that is what I want to know.
Reply
:iconbreaking-reality:
breaking-reality Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010  Professional Photographer
A while longer. I had nights, months after the split, where I'd wake up crying. I wish I could tell you more, I wish healing were an easier process.

Do you need someone with you at the wedding or do you have anyone you're going with? I know you will be seeing friends and family all day but if you need someone to be there with you, to help you or be there for you, I'd be more than willing. I know nothing is more important to you than Jessy, especially on her wedding day, but I also know it will still be a painful day for you. :hug:
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:iconkrash:
krash Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010  Professional Photographer
Actually my old model/friend/girlfriend is coming in from out of state. She still means a lot to me, I was part of her wedding years ago. It was a mix of Pagan and Christian, I was part of the opening and closing circle, I got to represent North and spent the entire ceremony about ten feet from her, her soon to be husband Eric up on the altar.

I had said something about Amber not being at the wedding and how I wanted to spend that day with someone I loved dearly, how much it meant for me to have Amber by my side that day. Kelly contacted Michelle and invited her to come down and basically take Amber's place for the wedding. Having her in town, let alone at the wedding with me is going to be wonderful. I have known her since High School and love her to death, even so not having Amber there is something I will never forgive her for, having her by my side for this was extremely important to me.

Healing from this for me is going to take a life time. She has no idea what she has done to me.
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:iconbreaking-reality:
breaking-reality Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2010  Professional Photographer
I'm glad you have someone there for you.

I know it will take a long time to heal, but it does get easier day by day.

I'm here for you if need me.
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:iconkrash:
krash Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2010  Professional Photographer
...as long as she makes it down.
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